Fears, hopes and showtime?

We are just about two weeks away.  TWO weeks.  I'll be hitting 38 weeks this Wednesday and all thats on my mind is whether or not I can do this... What's "this"?  ...Handling childbirth, being a mother, maintaining my career, taking care of my family, not forgetting who I am, being a good wife, and everything else that comes along with this situation. 

34 weeks

35 weeks

36

I've done all of this preparation to hopefully have this beautiful and natural childbirth.  But what if I can't handle the pain, what if something goes wrong and I end up having to get a C-section?  What if that "instinct" doesn't kick in and I have no idea what I'm doing when he gets here.  What if this whole motherhood thing just doesn't come as easily for me as it does for everyone else?

Lately, I've been on a really off sleeping schedule and will clean in the middle of the night.  Is this really nesting syndrome?  The last couple of nights I'd be up at 3:30am doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen, rearranging his room for the millionth time.  Last weekend I went to sleep around 10, got up around midnight and cleaned until about 2am, then went back to sleep. 


I keep reminding myself that the goal is to have a healthy baby boy that I can have in my arms. Regardless of all these fears, Matt and I are excited and can't wait to have our little family unit together. 


This morning my "show" happened.  Skip this paragraph if you're grossed out by pregnancy nasty stuff...  This morning I woke up and went straight to the bathroom (as usual) and as I stood up it happened - lost my mucus plug and had a my bloody show.  At first I wasn't quite sure what was happening, but thank goodness I had my Doula, Heather, that was just a text away.  Anyway - this can mean that labor can be days to a week or two away.  I'm really hoping its days vs. weeks :).  


This put Matt and I into a very odd mood - excited, scared, anxious and more.  Matt is getting ready to wind down and work and I'm worried I won't finish my big projects at work as well.  But like it or not, X is on his way.  


My little Xavier:
You're not so little any more... actually you feel really big in me :).  I can't believe this part of our journey is so close to ending and the next step in our lives together is going to start.  I ask your dad every day whether or not you'll love me the way I love you.  I hope his answer to me every time is right.  I day dream about what you'll feel like in my arms and think about how hard I'll have to try so hard to not pinch your cheeks.  Be good in there little boy!!